


Mount of Venus

by enamoredd



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: ??? - Freeform, Attempt at Humor, First Meetings, Kyoutani and Kunimi for like 0.5 seconds, M/M, Makki has a potty mouth, Mean Girls References, Oh and Also, Shrek References, This was born because Makki needed to say cum squirt, btw you don't need to know any of those references to enjoy I guess, fortune telling AU, i haven't written in a while, let's just assume that I have a lot of references okay, love live references, my ideas are everywhere, very very minor IwaOi, what on earth am I doing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-03
Updated: 2016-06-03
Packaged: 2018-07-12 00:55:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7077850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enamoredd/pseuds/enamoredd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>College is shit, Takahiro decides as he waves goodbye to yet another sucker for bull. The room is dark save for a few candles and Takahiro wonders how he got to this point in life.</p>
<p>He also wonders if he should go out and buy some new curtains because why should he not buy new curtains.</p>
<p>He hears the wind chimes located near the door start singing and he takes a deep breath to prepare for the next customer. <i>‘Looks like curtain shopping has to wait.’</i> Shuffling the cards in front of him and polishing the cheap crystal ball, he yells for the customer to enter his domain.</p>
<p>-----</p>
<p>Hanamaki Takahiro tries his hand at fortune telling only for it to backfire.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mount of Venus

College is shit, Takahiro decides as he waves goodbye to yet another sucker for bull. The room is dark save for a few candles and Takahiro wonders how he got to this point in life.

He also wonders if he should go out and buy some new curtains because why should he not buy new curtains.

He hears the wind chimes located near the door start singing and he takes a deep breath to prepare for the next customer. _‘Looks like curtain shopping has to wait.’_ Shuffling the cards in front of him and polishing the cheap crystal ball, he yells for the customer to enter his domain.

 

Takahiro, just like any other college student, was broke as fuck and was looking for a way to pay his crap (love gem crap, excuse you) in the easiest way possible.

Too bad for him though because jobs and easy didn’t really mix well.

Despite the amount of charisma he possessed, finding a job was like looking for Kyoutani’s eyeliner on concert nights (it magically disappears one hour before the band goes live) (it’s not him he swears). Not only were they hard to find, but they also didn’t hire inexperienced broke bastards like Hiro. He tried the tattoo parlor across the dorms, the record store at the end of the street, heck he even tried that old DVD rentals on the creepy side of town (he wonders how they’re still open). 

Point is, he needed money. Fast. So he thought ‘fuck that shit’ and started his own business. His own _fortune telling business,_ because why the fuck not? He just needed a dark room, old cards, some cheap plastic ball, and some dusty old books for aesthetic. As for the fortune telling itself, he could just sprout out some random shit from Oprah and he was good to go. If the client isn’t satisfied then fuck them right?

 

A tall man with wavy brown hair and a pretty face comes in with a hint of curiosity gracing his features. He looks around the room before finding Takahiro sitting amongst a pile of pillows and cautiously approaches him with a subtle glint in his eye.

“What the fuck did you do to the apartment?”  
“Oh, it’s just you hanger.”

Tooru looks at him with the most scandalized look on the red carpet (pink duvet in his case).

“Makki! Stop bringing that up already! It’s _so embarrassing!_ ”  
“You shoulda thought long and hard before eating that last creampuff… Ass fucker.”

Tooru drops next to Hiro on the Pillow Mountain and grabs one of Takahiro’s aesthetically beautiful books, only to be surprised that the contents of the book was an entirely different thing (bless book cover tutorials). He takes that moment to peek down at the book. ‘Ahh, sports anime.’ Bless his homosexual heart, giving himself a mental (and physical) pat on the shoulder.

A pause. “Excuse you, I am most definitely NOT an ass fucker thank you very much!”

Hiro snorts and gives Oikawa a pointed look. “Yeah, you’re the dick fucker lmao.”

Oikawa’s face gets really interesting after that. It goes from really blue to really red and Hiro thinks ‘What the fuck is goin on,’ when he realizes that oh.

Oh.

_Oh,_ now he’s getting red too.

“Eugh gross, man, don’t tell me it’s that Bara Bitch.” Hiro makes a mental note to write that down later. It’s a good one. For all the arm wrestling trophies that fucker snatched.

Bara Bitch.

Tooru huffs and even shakes his tooshie a little.

“Bara bitch? Makki, you’re just really jelly because you can’t get any more bara than that! And you’re taking it out on me!”  
“You didn’t deny you were fuckin him though.”

Tooru blushes.  
Takahiro prays.

 

There are many upsides to this little con business he’s got goin’. Seeing as this was a fortune telling business, he didn’t need to spend much. Like he said, just a couple of candles, a deck of cards, cheap ball, then boom business. Hiro also thinks that another upside to this is the amount of (or lack of) effort he has to put in. He knew that the only clients (suckers) he was ever gonna get were lovesick girls, confused gay men (those are his favorite) and Kindaichi (he’s surprised that the kid didn’t realize it was all bullshit, even _Iwaizumi_ knows, and he’s a dense ass-fucker). Point is, all of them were lovesick and everybody knows that suckers in love fall for anything. That means he can get away with any bullshit that comes out of his mouth, which was a big advantage since he usually sprouts random bullshit when he short circuits.

Hiro believes that in every upside in life, there will always be a downside. The perfect example to this is a certain seven letter word. Boredom. He was so bored. So so bored. Twenty minutes into his afternoon schedule and he already feels bored (it usually takes around fifty minutes).

This is one of the rare moments in his life where he misses his co-workers back at the café. Fuck yes, he was dumb enough to quit that job, but he was young and broke (he’s still broke). It’s not that he hates them, he actually fucking LOVES them, it’s just that, saving your dick from drowning in a sea (pringle can) of ice is very traumatizing. He was merely a baby of two weeks, he didn’t need any more of that “team bonding” bullshit. 

Feeling the sudden urge to punch his past self, he decides to distract himself with a good ‘ol dose of rhythm games. ON EXPERT MODE. This was fine. He had time. Just _one_ round didn’t hurt anybody, right?

He didn’t notice the sound of the wind chime and the presence of another person, so he was _very surprised_ when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He missed a few notes, no biggie. Not like he was playing on an _eleven star song_ with a strong combo. Nope, he wasn’t mad.

He was _enraged._

He doesn’t care what he’s facing, be it a ghost or Tooru, he’s giving ‘em a piece of his mind.

“Excuse me? Um, excuse me? Pink?”  
“You better nico-nico-get the fuck outta here you fuckin abomination.”

A snort, a smile, and a beat of silence later, Takahiro thinks ‘Holy fuck, I was supposed to say some creepy witch shit.’ Accompanying his thought is a mental image of his body burning to the ground with a charred dick and butt wiggle whilst the devil slows eats his soul. Of all days he had to die, he had to die on a Monday. October two to be exact. Dammit. So close. So _so_ close. Glen Coco is disappointed. So very disappointed.

“I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to say some creepy witch shit, but if you wanna talk about Glen Coco, then go. You go, Glen Coco.”  
‘Oh shit,’ he thinks ‘did I just say that out loud?!’  
“Holy fuck did he seriously talk Mean Girl? Did he? Did he?”  
“Oh my God, Oikawa please shut the fuck up.”

He didn’t realize Tooru and Hajime were there. No wonder there was an undesirable heaviness looming within his chest.

Oh wait, that’s just his soul descending into hell.

Fuck he’s short circuiting. “Welcome to Sutabaa, may I take your order?”

“You can’t just say that after nico-nico-noping my money.” Matsukawa ends his remark with an adorable pout and Takahiro is dying. Takahiro would be laughing his ass off if it weren’t for Matsukawa Issei, _his goddamn crush of five months,_ pouting at him. He swears that sometimes, his gay little heart was a blessing AND a curse.

“I, uh, well,” _smooth, Hiro, smooth._ “Are ya gonna ask for love advice or am I supposed to bust out Akira’s pringle can?” Hiro hoped he said that last part softly, but his dreams are crushed when the hot man in front of him starts snorting. “I’ll have the pringle can, yeah.” A crash is heard in the distance (just a few feet away actually) and Hiro prays to whatever is out there that it was NOT Iwaizumi Hajime. _Not Iwa, not Iwa, not Iwa, savemeplease._ Hajime pops up from behind the pillow fort and rakes his eyes over Matsukawa’s body before saying “You’ve got guts, kid.” Ughh, why was this such a horrible day? Matsukawa pats his hand (insert squeal), saying “Don’t worry, Pink. Tomorrow’s October three, yeah?”

Takahiro prays for the miracle of Regina George.

 

Remember what Hiro said before? How he had a seven letter problem called boredom? Yeah, he misses it. He misses the simplicity of the world back when he was a young fool. A young fool who cons other fools, but hey, nobody’s complaining.

Things started getting complicated when Tooru and Hajime left. Left being they only went next door. Where fucking Hajime lives (Hajime and his stupid bara trophies). They both knew of his crush on the raven haired bastard, and because they were ‘good friends,’ they left him all alone without a wingman. Hiro needs new friends.

His crush on the poor guy started a couple of months ago. It was a beautiful day, really. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the world was smiling. Uh huh, nothing could go wrong. Absolutely nothing.

He was walking down the hallway with Tooru and Hajime as his ‘eyes’ (he was walking with his eyes closed, you see), when he learned two things. One, Tooru and Hajime were TERRIBLE eyes (he has to admit though, Tooru would make a good ear –for gossip– and Hajime would make good arms _dammit_ ). Two, the guy he just bumped into had a great chest (A chest he just _bumped into_ , wow, forgot about that).

“Dude,” the guy starts, “what the fuck are you doing?”  
“I’m trying to walk with my eyes closed and my heart open.”

Cue in sexy laughter coupled by ugly snorting from two assholes he forgot about.

Takahiro opens his eyes to find dark half-lidded eyes staring right into his own caramel orbs.

Two hours later, Hiro’s ashamed to admit that (via Tooru) he was able to find every social media account he owned, learn his name, and know how long his down there is (he doesn’t wanna know how Tooru knows).

_Matsukawa Issei,_ sigh. Dreamy.

_I wonder if he’s into memes._

“ _Pink? Oi, Pink?! Oi,_ OI”  
“Whu- what?”

Matsukawa stares at him with a you-were-spacing-out face and Hiro can’t help but make the this-is-normal face right back at him.

They’ve been making faces at each other for a good thirty seconds when Hiro decides that this should be a good enough time to start conning the shit out of this fool (this _beautiful_ fool dammit).

“So, uh” Hiro starts, “What do you wanna know?” Matsukawa’s face is flushed and, wait, was he _nervous_? “Um,” he’s darting his eyes around the room now. “The future,” he spits out, “I want to know about my future.” Hiro blinks his eyes slowly. Matsukawa looked nervous, but he didn’t seem nervous about his future. It was something else. Hiro just doesn’t know what that ‘something else’ is.

Matsukawa’s eyes are a little calculating as Hiro reaches out to grab his right hand. He’s observed Matsukawa enough times to know that his dominant hand was his right hand, so he didn’t have to ask him (that would just make him look _unprofessional_ ). Hiro takes this opportunity to study his hands. They were rough and callused giving him an impression that Matsukawa was strong and diligent, but the way he gently squeezes Hiro’s hand when he was spacing out again made him think that Matsukawa was just as gentle. Takahiro looks into Matsukawa’s eyes and swears that if things go well, he’s asking him out for coffee. Fuck the system.

“You’re a deep person, Matsukawa Issei”  
“You know my name?”  
Shit. “Um, I’m a fortuneteller, duh, have a little faith, asshat.”

Matsukawa buys it and urges Takahiro to go on. Hiro shrugs and lightly touches the center of Matsukawa’s palm. He pretends to study it intently before swirling his index finger across his palm, following the many lines on his hand.

“You’re going to have many connections, young Issei.” Matsukawa looks like he’s holding back a snort. “Connections, huh?” “Yes, connections, ugh stop bothering me, you’re gonna make me mess up your damn future.” Matsukawa smirks and nods his head. Hiro feels like something was up but doesn’t comment on it.

 

Three minutes into sprouting out random bullshit and Hiro realizes that he ran out of bullshit to say, so he decides to end their little session there. 

“Ahem, you’re a pisces, correct?” Bless facebook. “Nope, don’t answer that. I know you are.” Matsukawa shrugs his shoulders and listens intently on what Takahiro has to say next. “As I was saying, my parting words for you is, uhh” Think, Hiro, think! “Uh, you are much like an onion.” There’s a ghost of a smile on Matsukawa’s lips. 

“Oh?”  
“Yeah, an onion.”  
“Because I stink?”  
“No.”  
“Because I make people cry?”  
“No.”

This was getting really suspicious. “Noooo.” Hiro sighs and looks at Matsukawa in the eye. “Onions have layers.” Matsukawa raises a nice thick eyebrow and grins.

“Really?”  
Hiro snorts “Really really.”

Takahiro squints his eyes and tries to think very hard. This is odd. Really _really_ odd. It’s as if Matsukawa knows what he has to say. He has to find out what that ‘something else’ is before he gets butchered for being a con.

_What if he already figured out the con business?_  
_Shit._  
_He needs to get distracted._

“Ok look, you want some advice? I’ll give ya advice.” Matsukawa leans in.  
_“If your ball is too big for your mouth, it’s not yours.”_  
“But–” Matsukawa doesn’t finish his sentence before Hiro is pushing him out the door.  
“Now scram kid, get lost, don’t tell the cops, wash your hands before eating, live life to the fullest.”  
“Wait. _WAIT._ ”  
Takahiro waits. “What?”

Matsukawa chuckles nervously, eyes darting across the room before making an ‘AHA! Face.’ There’s a mischievous twinkle in his eye as he takes Hiro’s hand, and _oh boy Takahiro is really red._ “Can I try?” He’s pouting again. Dammit. Takahiro is weak. He is very _very weak for this man,_ but he’ll never back down from a challenge. EVER. “T-try to beat me, bastard,” he stutters out. The raven guides both of them back to the pillow fort before he flips over Takahiro’s hand revealing the owner’s prominent lines and slightly inky fingers. He squeezes the tense hands, hoping he could relieve Takahiro of whatever stressful thing was gnawing at him. Hiro swears, if this keeps up, he’s gonna get lewd fantasies.

Oh, too late.

“You got lube?” Hiro coughs violently and looks at Matsukawa with red cheeks and wide eyes. “Excuse me, what?” “I said, you got lotion?” Hiro stares and makes a why-the-fuck-do-you-need-lotion face and Matsukawa gives a don’t-fucking-ask face right back at him. Hiro shakes his head. ‘No,’ he’s trying to say. Matsukawa takes it in stride however when he takes a small bottle of (lube) lotion from his bag. “You bring lotion everywhere?” Matsukawa shrugs his shoulders, revealing a small tattoo of some sort on what silver of skin was revealed when his shirt moved. Hiro tries not to die of dehydration for he wants that coffee date. 

The guy proceeds to take Takahiro’s hands into his own and gently kneads. If Hiro were to compare what he was feeling right now, it would be to that one time he accidentally walked in on Sawamura Dadchi fucking the school’s resident angel. Shocked yet satisfied (he was proud to actually witness something as legendary as that). The only difference with that one time and right now is that right now, he wasn’t just satisfied. Non, non, he felt _whole._

“So, uh,” Takahiro starts, trying to mask how nervous he was. “What’s up with the massage?” Matsukawa quirks his lips upwards. “You looked really tense. Didn’t want it ruining the reading.” So much for masking his nerves.

The massage is over faster than Takahiro can say Iwaizumi Hajime (that will never not be a mouthful). The atmosphere in the room shifts when Matsukawa flips his hand to start the reading. The air is colder, the shadows are darker, the tension is heavier. His movements are slow, taking in every crease and callous in Hiro’s hand and committing it to memory. His fingers trace whatever they can find and they press in places deemed worthy of reading. The suspiciously nervous (sexy) Matsukawa of back then is gone, replaced by this calculating (still sexy) Matsukawa. (Takahiro has accepted that every Matsukawa is a sexy Matsukawa).

Takahiro realizes that Matsukawa’s hands stopped moving, his eyes looking deeply into Takahiro’s and it takes all of his inner meme powers not to blush. “W-what is it?” Matsukawa traces the deep line that runs below Takahiro’s pinky all the way to the middle of his hand. He’s holding his breath, waiting for Matsukawa to speak up. “I’m not all that good at this shit so I’m just gonna help you understand yourself, okay? No freaky future fortune telling.” Hiro blinks and, honestly, he has no fucking idea what’s going on, he just pretty sure that shit is gonna get _intense_. He gives a curt nod to Matsukawa as if to say ‘fuck yes touch my hand some more.’ The raven smirks and grips his hand tighter. “Keep in mind, this could be happening consciously or unconsciously.”

Hiro snorts. “I’m soooo scared.”  
Matsukawa grins wide. “Get ready to get rekt.”

Oh man, Takahiro was LOVING this.

Matsukawa rubs small circles on Takahiro’s hand, and Hiro can’t help but shiver at the movement.

“Hanamaki Takahiro, you’re –“  
“Hold the fuck up. You know my name?!” Takahiro is so fucking red it rivals best girl Maki’s hair.

Matsukawa smirks. “I’m a fortuneteller, duh, have a little faith–” he leans in close enough to make Takahiro’s heart beat faster. “–asshat.” Takahiro slaps his laughing face away, all the while cursing under his breath.

Matsukawa grumbles out a bunch of apologies before clearing his throat and starting all over again. 

“Hanamaki Takahiro. Right-hand dominant, top of his class, plays a sport? A ball game? Haha, no don’t answer that of course I know.” A pause. “Your star sign is, hm, aquarius? Yeah, it is. That’s all the basic info I can get at the moment. Am I wrong?”

“How the fuck did you get all that from my fucking PALM?” Matsukawa shrugs his shoulders and examines his hand once more. His fingers move to the line swooping near his thumb and Hiro’s surprised to hear the faint chuckle that leave Matsukawa’s lips. 

“You’re adventurous and often do crazy shit, but you get tired easily, yeah?” He squeezes the flesh near the edge of his palm furthest away from his thumb. “Creative too, huh, that’s adorable.” Matsukawa thinks he’s _adorable._ This is going down in history.

Matsukawa looks at him with a glint in his eye, and Hiro isn’t very sure if he should be afraid for his life. The silence that takes over the two of them makes him want to scream, but he doesn’t think Hajime would want someone screaming while he ravishes Tooru (he’s pretty sure they’re doin the do right now).

“You control your feelings pretty well, like, you could be screaming on the inside right now and I wouldn’t know.” A pause. “You’re not screaming, are you?” “Nope, no, definitely not screaming.” Matsukawa laughs softly and looks at Takahiro straight in the eye “Things are gonna get pretty intense so, uh, don’t laugh at me, okay?” “Lay it on me, cum squirt.” Matsukawa takes a deep breath, blinks twice, exhales, and says, “You’re fucking gorgeous.”

Silence

“Excuse me, what?”

“Knew you’d say that.” Matsukawa’s fingers move to touch the little fleshy bit of Hiro’s hand near his thumb. “Ok, so maybe gorgeous is a bit, uh, biased, but you really are an attractive person.” He squeezes the flesh a bit before rubbing small circles on it. “I believe it’s the small things, really. The way you fall in love easily, the times you’ve been hospitalized for the momentous decisions you make– don’t even lie to me it’s all there.” Takahiro closes his mouth and nods his head. Fair. “You’re really impulsive too, hah, probably why you buy creampuffs all the fuckin time.”

Takahiro looks up from his hand and stares at Matsukawa. HARD. “Ok bro, that’s bullshit. You can’t predict that shit from my fucking palm.” Matsukawa bursts out laughing. “And excuse you, all the time is creampuff time.” “But not everyday could be October three, huh? Wow rekt.”

They burst out laughing and there were literal tears in Takahiro’s eyes. This was all too absurd. The intense atmosphere from back then has dissipated by now and Takahiro’s laughter slows into a faint chuckle. He looks at Matsukawa with teary eyes and flushed cheeks. 

“How long have you known anyway? About my bullshit fortune telling?”  
“Ever since you grabbed my right hand.” Oh, welp.

Matsukawa smiles softly “My entire family’s been into palmistry for-fucking-ever.” Oh well ain’t that a fuckin surprise. “Why’d you come to me then? If you knew how to palm read then why’d you have to pay for my brilliant readings?”

Matsukawa looks taken aback by the question and all of a sudden he’s a flustered mess, grumbling out something under his breath.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“I said, I just wanted to talk to you.”

Takahiro’s flustered now too, but that doesn’t stop him from getting smug as hell.

“Really?” Matsukawa grabs at the flesh near Takahiro’s thumb and squeezes.  
“Really really.”

Takahiro chuckles and squeezes Matsukawa’s knee with his free hand.

“Does that mean I could ask you to some creampuff hunting?”  
“Honey, I already got a place in mind.”

“Cum squirt”  
“Dick stain”  
“Booger imprint”  
“Pringle Can”  
“Nincompoop”  
“Puny potato”

They’re heading out of Takahiro’s apartment now, insults still firing back and forth. They pass by the neighborhood bara’s room full of moaning and groaning and, honestly, they really couldn’t care any less. They continue to walk, pinkies intertwined, ready to take over the world one creampuff at a time.

“Are you into memes though?”  
“Fuck yes.”

Fuck yes.

**Author's Note:**

> Fuck yes


End file.
